He’s not a someone whom i’ve been looking for since i was kid. No. Bcs i know he’s different from other people that i know. He’s absolutely not look like Yook Sungjae, not even his appearance or personality. But, he always makes my day a little more normal, more ordinary, more usual to be seen by all people around me. He makes my day better. He is the way he is.
I met him 2 years ago. He looked silly, weird, and annoying. And now i know, he is really silly, weird, and annoying. He did a lot of things that annoyed me so much. But i knew he didn’t mean to make me feel uncomfortable. He said i was the one who taught him how to respect others and made them to be a priority more than himself. But i don’t think it’s because of me. Because since the first time i saw him, i knew he has something good inside himself that he hide so hard from the others. There’s something invisible that i clearly see.
Once i asked him to described me in 300 words (It’s like a grammar test, huh?), he did it well. I still wonder how can he do it easily in 30 minutes. I mean, when my teacher asked me to write 200 words to describe myself in one and half hour, i feel so terrible. And he easily amazed me with his writing skill.
His wonderful voice can make me easily fall asleep. Everytime i hear his voice, it makes me a lot more stable than usual. As peaceful as when i went to mountain, as smooth as hair in the shampoo ads.
He also kept telling me that he loved me even though he knew all what he got only a question, “should i reply it?”. And he always replies, “no”.
He never tired of my bad english. He always corrects me when i was wrong. Too patient? OF COURSE NOT! Sometimes he look annoyed, but he repeat it till i could speak properly, anyway. Too impatient to be a good teacher, but he tried his best to taught me everything. I respect him; No one ever really can teach me properly bcs of my short term memory. A terrible sickness? Idk i should call it a sickness or just a habit.. But yea.. I’m having short term memory since i was kid. I wonder how long he can handle this. Lol
I’ve been looking for someone who can be happy with his-own life and his happiness isn’t depend on how i act. When i’ve already known he can be happy even without me right there, i’m pretty sure this relationship will go to somewhere else, another step. We can make each other happy as easy as we make our-own-self happy. And i found all of them in him.
He let me to choose: he should stay or just leave. And that day, i think if i let him leave, there will be no one who can understand me when i’m not in a good mood. There will be no one who can comfort me when i’m crying. There will be no one who can make my day brighter like he does.
This isn’t easy for me to be healed from something that i hate the most, to fall in love, to be loved and to be left all alone. But i can see he’s trying all of his best to make me happy. I don’t know if this gonna be worth it someday, but i’m pretty sure everyday will be a happy day with him. Even if it didn’t work out as expected, i know i still can survive through all the storms with him and dance with it.
I’m afraid? Of course. I’m afraid this relationship won’t only be ours, but also the third person like his parent’s or someone else’s. I’m afraid if “today” is the last day i can be with him and the last time i can see his laugh and his annoyed expression. I’m afraid if there will be a day when he get bored of me. I’m afraid in 2 or 3 years from now, everything will change into something that makes me so uncomfortable with this relationship or him. I really am afraid.
In the end.. Like what Raditya Dika once said.. Happiness, sadness, madness, disappointment, fear, and him are in one pack. And i realise, there is no relationship without all of them. Even in the marriage life, we’ll through all the hard times. But it doesn’t really matter anymore if you have each other. And i know i can deal with all situations we’ll have soon or later as long as i’m with him.
It’s still a though decision for me; he should stay or just leave. So i decide to flip a coin. Not to decide for me. But to help me to realize what i really want when it’s in the air. … and what i really want is a “yes”.
Yes, i want to love his bad/good hair day, with/without pomade, his chubby cheeks and fat belly, his bad/good mood.
Yes, i want to make him cry till’ there will be no reason left to be cried for. I want to wipe them all, even it will be a million tears, a million times.
Yes, i want to love him 24/7.
Yes, i want him to stay.
Yes, i want to stay too.